[Stabo]

Not Short!

A guy suspects his wife of cheating on him. He comes home in the middle of the day and hears a noise upstairs. He rushes up and finds his wife sprawled on the bed wearing a negligee. He sees the window open and looks out and sees a guy running down the street. The man grabs a refrigerator and throws it out the window on top of the guy running, killing him. A few moments later up in heaven St Peter is looking at three new arrivals. St Peter looks at the first guy and says “Well?” The first guy says “No idea, I was late for work, running down an ally when a refrigerator hits me on the head.” St Peter says “Go on in.” He looks at the second guy and says “Well?” The second guy says “Well I was a jealous man, thought my wife was cheating on me. I lost my temper and lifted up a refrigerator, had a heart attack and here I am”. St Peter says “OK go on in”. St Peter looks at the third guy and says “Well”? The third guy says “I was hiding in this refrigerator you see…………….

 

[v2win]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[v2win]

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

 

[rOOster14]

a young man is driving down the road with a nice blonde young lady. he asks her, could you look out the window and tell me if my blinker is working.
she sticks her head out the window and he asks "is it working??"
she replies "yes no yes no yes no yes no...."

--------------------------------------------------------
a blonde a brunnete and a red head are standing before a firing squad about to be executed for their "friendly ways". the king frowned on these three ladies, but decided he would give them the courtesy of making their last wishes.
the brunette stands before the squad, is asked if she has any last wishes, she says no. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim..." the brunette shouts "TORNADO" the squad is utterly confused and the brunette escapes.
the red head is brought before the squad, asked if she has any last wishes she says no. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim..." the red head shouts "EARTHQUAKE" the squad is yet again, utterly confused and the red head escapes.
the blonde has this figured out, shes gonna shout and shes gonna escape, she stands before the squad, shes asked if she has any last wishes, she says no...man shes excited about this. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim.." the blonde shouts "FIRE"....

 

[v2win]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[vaneo1]

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



A: because it was dead

 

[v2win]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

[spicersh]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch."

 

[slaintedan]

Not really short....but good anyway:


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Good for him!!! :thumbs2: :laughing:

 

[slaintedan]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch."

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

 

[spicersh]

A blonde was sitting on a train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked...."How many is a Brazilian?"

 

[spicersh]

This is unbelievably amazing!!!!!

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN







































If you have chosen:


a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass.

Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...

 

[spicerke]

**groan**

 

[cookeetree]

A blonde was sitting on a train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked...."How many is a Brazilian?"

:laughing: :laughing:

 

[cookeetree]

This is absolutely amazing. It's uncanny! If you think it's cool, try it again and again. It works with any letter!! It only takes about 30 seconds.


Don't cheat! Scroll down, slowly.






















Think of a letter between P and Z.

Scroll down, slowly














Keep going!














Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Scroll down. Slowly!

























Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal's name.

Scroll down,slowly
























Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. (example Fred would be 4)






























Now, take the last finger your counted with,






























Shove it up your a**e, wake up to yourself and get back to work! :twofinger

 

[Jester]

Re: This is unbelievably amazing!!!!!

Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...

:laughing:

 

[spicersh]

Books You Probably Won't Find In The Local Library

Self Help

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

Even God Is Single, So Stop Giving Me A Hard Time

What to Expect when Your Wife is Expanding

The Complete A**hole's Gude To Handling Chicks

501 Great Things About Being Gay

The Zen of Farting

Sexual Exercise as a Means of Reducing and Controlling Weight

Feng Shaun: Discover Inner Peace with Shaun the Sheep

You're Not as Good as You Think You Are: A Demotivational Guide

Screw Unto Others: Revenge Tactics for All Occasions

Women May Be from Venus...But Men Are Really from Uranus:



Adult Non-Fiction

Kill Without Joy: The Complete How to Kill Book by John Minnery

Ashphalt Nation: How the Automobile Took Over America, and how we can Take it Back by Jane Holtz Kay

Moldavia: A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry

History of England: Before It Became Boring and Too Much Like Real Life

Manson in his own Words by Charles Manson

Margaret Mead, Coming of Age in Samoa (1928)

Wilhelm Reich, The Function of the Orgasm (1942)

Ruby Ann's Trailer Trash Recipe Book

The Walrus was Paul: The Great Beatle Death Clues of 1969 by R. Gary Peterson



Adult Fiction

Excuse Me? Whose Baby? by Jacqueline Diamond

The Virgin Bride Said "Wow" by Cathy Gillen Thacker



Children's Section

"Why Some Weiners Wear Turtlenecks And Some Don't", The Circumcision Handbook

"Fun With Your Tinky-Winky", A Tele-Tubbies Tale

"Barney Farted" and Other TV. Bloopers For Kids

Plastic Bag Space Helmet and Other Fun Activities

Thirteen Tragic Tales For Troubled Children

The Little Engine That Couldn't Because He Was A Worthless Bum Like Your Father

Run Away From Home: Your Parents Will Thank You

Simon Says Get in the Fucking Car

Frog and Toad Are *******

F**k School and Become a Drifter

Do That Again and I'll Wring Your Neck You Little Shit

Where The Misery Ends- The Bastard Was Asking For It

Chuck E. Cheese Gets A Flamethrower


Young Adults

Nobody Likes Timmy, Because He Just Won't Shut up About Star Trek

Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues

Going Down In History by Monica Lewinsky

 

[spicersh]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration "

 

[Dad]

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration "

"The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat." She's told me everything I need to know.

As far as the balls are concerned, I could care less about them but they seem to give her something to do between gaggin' and rimmin'.

Just some musings of an "over fifty".

 

[spicersh]

"The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat." She's told me everything I need to know.

As far as the balls are concerned, I could care less about them but they seem to give her something to do between gaggin' and rimmin'.

Just some musings of an "over fifty".

Hell at 50 you can stretch the whole thing out and show movies on it! Talk about home entertainment center! :thumb: