Great Complaints Letter - Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Great Complaints Letter

Quote:
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-1 deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bullock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold m music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Regards

John





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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:13 PM
 
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With all the big words I thought it was a letter Vash wrote. Is John one of your aliases Vash???




-M-
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by mstrand_68
With all the big words...
Sorry, mate, I should've added pictures so you'd have something to "read".




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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:25 PM
 
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That has to be one of the best things I've ever read! That embodies all of the feelings I hold in reguards to Time Warner, Microsoft, and several other companies. I think whoever wrote that deserves a huge reward and a pat on the back.

Sepias
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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I love the special "gift" he included.




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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 07:37 PM
 
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Hi All-

Dealing with telecommunications companies, government agencies, or insurance companies can make a sane person go bonkers very quickly. Many of the frontline staff are so obtuse one could almost feel it's intentional. I feel your pain from dealing with these dimwits!



~ Blue Jays ~
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-18-2006, 08:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by cookeetree
Sorry, mate, I should've added pictures so you'd have something to "read".


MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!


Funny but true...



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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-18-2006, 09:24 AM
 
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Thats great. I've been wanting to write something simular to sprint for quiet some time. There is one more thing that is more infuriating than ISP's and thats cell providers. They are lower than lawyers and used car salesmen.

Mstrand: My professional writing follows a different style. Profanity, even as hidden as the above example is a clear indication that you will not persue any legal action. In fact its almost asking them to ignore your letter. I prefer to name stupid dollar ammounts on who knows what, and somehow imply that they will be liable for it. It helps if you add the better buisness burau in the "CC" section, and even throw someones first name there (even if complitely made up) to imply that "you know someone". Use as much lawyer lingo as possible. You might even have someone write you back.



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