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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2006, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
 
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Little Red Riding Hood

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There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"


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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2006, 01:47 PM
 
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That must be the 21st century version of the story. Sad but true.

Spicer's will enjoy the part with the organic shit in it though.





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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2006, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by mstrand_68
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I've read it and thought of you bro



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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-10-2006, 05:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by mstrand_68
That must be the 21st century version of the story. Sad but true.

Spicer's will enjoy the part with the organic shit in it though.





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Because we're such hippies. It's good to see we've had a positive effect on you.

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-10-2006, 06:08 AM
 
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I love reading the "politically correct" versions of the classics. Have you read "Snow caucasion, and the seven, vertically challeged but productive members of society" yet? Its pretty good.

Sepias

Last edited by SepiasSoul; 04-10-2006 at 06:19 AM.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-10-2006, 10:09 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by SepiasSoul
I love reading the "politically correct" versions of the classics. Have you read "Snow caucasion, and the seven, vertically challeged but productive members of society" yet? Its pretty good.

Sepias

Post it up!



Spicersh: Positive effect? Yes. You have filled that empty void in my life. Thank you both for giving me back that warm fuzzy feeling I lost long ago...




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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-10-2006, 11:53 AM
 
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This is a slightly different version than the one I was looking for, but comes out to the same effect.

Quote:
Snow Caucasian and the Seven Vertically Challenged Little People

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Queen who was unable to have children of her own, so she married a man with a beautiful baby girl. The man promptly died and left her to raise the child alone. The Queen, having been told so many times by her own mother that she'd amount to nothing when she grew up, used to ask her mirror every day, "Do you think I'm pretty?" The mirror would reply, "You are strong, you are beautiful, you are woman!" So the Queen was as happy as a widowed member of the monarchy stuck raising a child alone could be--until Snow Caucasian became a teenager. At that point, Snow became surly and unwilling to do her chores, choosing instead to pierce various parts of her body, listen to loud music, chew gum and swear a lot. To make it worse, one day, when the Queen asked her mirror, "Do you think I'm pretty?" the mirror said, "You are strong, you are beautiful--hot damn, who's the chickie standing behind you? Woo-woo!" Snow Caucasian was standing behind the Queen, wearing the Queen's favorite dress and favorite jewels. So the Queen called in Dr. Hunter, the Royal Analyst, who advised her to send Snow away for a summer to learn responsibility. He recommended sending her to the Seven Vertically Challenged Little People, who ran a tough-love organization called The Forest.

When Snow got there, she discovered that she was expected to work like all the rest of the kids, doing household chores like cleaning her own room and making her bed. She was also expected to chip in and help cook for the counselors and patients. She did not care for this at first. Royalty is generally not brought up to change sheets; Snow was miserable. The first time the Queen visited, Snow was rude and angry, and threw the gift of a new outfit out the window. But the Vertically Challenged Little People were experts in their field; soon Snow Caucasian was sweeping the floors and doing the cooking and cleaning, just like all the rest of the troubled teens at The Forest. The last time the Queen came to visit, she gave Snow a fruit basket, which Snow shared with her friends, including one named Murray Steinman, also known as The Prince. His family was well-known in the jewelry business; the Queen approved.

At the end of the summer, Snow and Murray were pronounced fit to go home. They did, and announced their engagement. The Queen and the Steinmans threw a huge wedding that fall, Murray's folks built a new castle on the grounds for the happy couple, and the following spring, Snow Caucasian gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Who turned out to be a Vertically Challenged Little Person. After much weeping, discussion, and forgiveness, the boy, nicknamed "Oopsie," was sent off to live with his father and six uncles, who, after the lawsuit was settled, came out of the closet (except for Hetero, who ran off with a female patient and was never seen again) and started a new organization whose slogan was "We're here, we're queer, and we need a chair!") and devoted the rest of their lives to helping troubled Vertically Challenged homosexuals. They all lived happily ever after, even Snow and Murray, who had three more kids and retired to Florida.
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