Why I have not been jumping at the Bandit or SV650 threads recently - Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 07:09 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
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Why I have not been jumping at the Bandit or SV650 threads recently

Hi, all. Those folks on this board who pay attention, know that I am not a post whore, but I rarely pass a chance to voice my opinion on the bikes I own. I like to think that my contributions to this board are helpful and insightful, and I very much care about this community.

Last Friday night, my wife of 6 years had brought up a subject of separation, and possibly of divorce. This did not come up during a fight over who should wash the dishes, or during the argument whether trash needs to be taken out. She got home after an evening shift, and since all the kids were already asleep, asked me to make some tea and that we talk. Less than half an hour into the conversation about the tension she had felt as of late, she dropped the bombshell on me. That was not a spur of the moment decision, you see. She has been slowly preparing me for it for a few weeks, only I was too blind to catch the hints.

Now you may say: "So what, a lot of people voice their frustration by threatening divorce to their spouse". I really would like to believe that the threat was meant as a wake up call to me to start paying attention to what she is saying, about how poorly we communicate, in particular. The tone of her voice, however, reflects so much certainty, that knowing how effective my wife is about the execution of her ideas when she reaches a conclusion, frankly, put a chill in my heart.

I hate becoming another statistic. This country has a high enough divorce rate already. More importantly, I can't stand to think that my kids would not be able to spend family time with both parents around.

I know that I have not been the greatest husband a woman could have. I know I am not a perfect human being. I admit that I have slacked somewhat in some aspects at work and at home. Romantic life had definitely suffered, mostly due to the fact that we have four children, and both of us work many hours, with late evening work schedules at that. At the same time, I have fully supported my wife's decision to go back to school, taking charge of many household tasks in order to give her time to work and study. She never had to worry about me stumbling home drunk a few times a month or wonder why I "stay at work late" into the nights and come home smelling of another woman.

I feel betrayed and lost now, because I really don't know anymore what a man can do to keep his wife happy. I've been more than careful to avoid the stereotypical shovinistic approach to the marriage, and regularly assisted with the household tasks that men of old or from my native Russia wouldn't be caught dead doing. Is it possible that my Father was right after all saying that marriage cannot work without the man asserting control over all the aspects of the household? I really don't know anymore...
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 07:54 PM
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Hate to meet you under such sad circumstances. Sorry to hear about your troubles... I dont know what else to say aside from that. Have you thought about broucher her on a marage counsoler before she takes that last, dreadful, step? I know a few people who that has helped out. Again, sorry to hear about your troubles, but we are hear for ya!

Best of luck,
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 02:33 AM
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Two things leap to mind, one of which might seem overly pessimistic or paranoid. First, I'll do anything to avoid divorce because I have an extreme view of when it should be allowed: violence and/or mental torture only. Its a personal view that I never impress on anyone else. To avoid divorce, one must enlist the help of professionals if internal discussions and changes don't succeed. There's simply no one better to help. That might include consultants, counselors, and/or clergy.

The second thing that came to mind is the timing. You haven't detailed her issues but did detail some circumstances and since I work at an institution of higher ed I've got to be wondering about an external force driving this. Like a guy. Again, probably way over the top, but thought I should voice it since the root cause needs to be identified to have any hope of correction. People do emerge from these things, so have hope!

I do respect and appreciate your participation and wish you the best of luck in resolving the issues. Perhaps some time away doing what you both enjoy is past due?

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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 04:38 AM
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Damn bro, I'm really sorry to hear that. As you can imagine, I have no worthwhile advice, only some encouragment. From the way I've heard you talk in the past about your family, I think there are a whole lot of women who can (and do) a whole lot worse. I hope things will start going your way soon.

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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 08:09 AM
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Having JUST gone thru this shit, but STILL not (all the way)finished with it...I can tell you this....

If the marriage is "broke", you ain't gonna fix it.....
If you haven't been takin' care of "Momma...then Momma has found someone who will.
Come to grips with it, get a GOOD lawyer, and seek his advice...
( don't use the same ROTTEN bastard I did!!!) ;-)
Once one partner has made the decision, there's nothing you can do to REALLY reconcile....

Letting go of the kids is the HARDEST thing you'll EVER have to face. Being YOU'RE the one who was born with a penis, expect to get a GIANT COCK, shoved up your ass in court. Expect to lose half of EVERYTHING you own, icluding ANY 401k plans that you may or may not have...also expect to lose about 1/2 your take home pay..... when all is said and done.

My best advice????
take WHATEVER you can get your hands on and move it somewhere where the wife WON'T be able to get it.... Things get REALLY ugly when it comes time to divide personal property...

Withdraw ANY money and stash it with a friend/relative. the less she can get from you, the better.

Good Luck...You're gonna need it! :-|

Jimmy G
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 08:25 AM
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LOL jimmy...

Looking at the bright side you will have more time to ride!!!

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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 08:31 AM
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I was being DEAD serious with my advice...
Here's a link for ya...

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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the input, guys. I appreciate the support, the optimistic and pessimistic, alike.

kanwish, you and I are both technical guys, and you basically expressed my thoughts almost word for word. Like most of us, when I don't know what to do, I do what I know best. I approach this as a Severity 1 outage in the network: troubleshoot methodically, attempt to isolate root cause, engage subject matter experts for the aspects where I lack the knowledge. We are going to do the counseling, and until I know otherwise, I feel positive about salvaging the relationship.

I am confident that there is no other guy. She has been under a lot of stress because of her work and school load, and she is taking it out on the closest person, i.e. me. Also, she is taking a psychology class right now, and anyone who has taken it would agree that students tend to overanalyze the material on themselves. So that "other guy" is just her professor, in whose lectures she is seeing all the negatives of our relationship. I just hope that with the help of a third party she can realize that however imperfect I may be as a person, I am not the root cause of her unhappiness.

One of the points she brought up was that I have not been realizing my potential as a person over the last few years. I have indeed developed a complacent attitude at home and at work, losing a lot of self respect in the process. I certainly plan to address that, because that I have to address regardless of what happens to the marriage.

Vash, as optimistic as I am about my prospects on this front, please take my advice: beware of American Woman. This adds a whole new dimension to the "Mars-Venus" relationship. I remember being quoted a statistic that marriages between American men and Russian women have a much higher rate of success than the opposite. I decided to defy the statistics, just like one decides to take a corner at double the posted speed, hoping to land on the favorable side of that distribution that determines the chances of hitting gravel.

jimmi, I know for a fact that my wife is a decent person and will not try taking advantage of me [too much] if it comes to divorce. The way she deals with her ex-husband, who is the father of older two kids, is quite fair, even by his own admission. I really just think she is overstressed and overcome by idealistic notions of what relationships should be like.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 01:47 PM
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Hopefully this is just a wake up call for you. If you really love your wife, I can promise you you'll be better off putting forth the effort to make it work. The alternative could be very miserable for you and you're entire family. She may truely feel that a divorce is the way to go now but feelings can change from day to day. Now that she's got it out in the open you two can really address the issues and possibly move on. Marriage can be very hard, I know mine is. I think about divorce every day yet am not convinced it is the best way to move forward. Good luck to you and feel free to continue seeking our support.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-15-2006, 02:07 PM
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You seem to have a good understanding of your own feelings and express yourself well. :-)

However......one line troubles me...."One of the points she brought up was that I have not been realizing my potential as a person over the last few years. I have indeed developed a complacent attitude at home and at work, losing a lot of self respect in the process. I certainly plan to address that, because that I have to address regardless of what happens to the marriage"

Be careful into letting someone bullshit you into believeing that ANYTHING is YOUR fault.....
Even if you learn to "accept" whatever line someone is feeding you, it'll backfire and cause resentment later on... It's almost like blackmail...If you don't do this, then I'm going to do _______.
If YOU werren't so __________, then everything would be fine...

Dude...you fill in the blanks......

I admire you for trying to make it work....I TRIED like hell, even though there was no love in MY marriage... (for the sake of the kid)

Being that she already divorced once, do you think for a minute, that maybe she's creating a pattern here?

She knew what you were like BEFORE she married you, right?
What's the big deal, now? Were you supposed to change into someone or something else?
Now that shes gone back to school, are YOU , not smart/handsome/interesting enough?

her arguement raises quite a few hackles with ME because they are aimed towards YOU, not your actions....

If she was TRULY concerned with YOUR personal self esteem, she would've sat down and said...Veektor...you need some counciling...Not "I think we need to separate because.......

Just my .02...

If ANYONE told me that they didn't love me or didn't like WHO I was (me as a person) there would be....NO LOVE LOST.

You CANNOT make someone love you or BE in love with you....
IF she TRULY loved you, she would accept as you are.

And to be in a relationship where only ONE is in love...is NOT a relationship, but something else...

************************************************** *

BTW...I didn't think I'd get fleeced either.....BOY was I fucking WRONG!!! :-(

Cover your ass, my friend.....
And I HOPE AND PRAY it works out for you. (If that's what you want)
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