How do you conquer an abusive childhood? - Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-08-2005, 06:57 AM Thread Starter
 
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How do you conquer an abusive childhood?

Emotional scars run deep when you are dealing with childhood abuse. They never really vanish, and can surface at any point in adult life. WHAT DO YOU DO?

Please try and take this thread seriously, because I will not bother trying to re-rail it.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-08-2005, 08:41 AM
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I can't really relate to being 30 something and dating someone in their late teens/early 20's, but I got seriously.......SERIOUSLY involved with a girl that had committment issues due to a past where guys used her, and her getting dumped for that reason, etc... God damn I don't know what to tell you, except in my situation, there was no changing this girl. She was so wrapped up in hurting other people so she wouldn't get hurt, that she couldn't focus on just being with someone who genuinely wanted her because they actually wanted her.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but deep seeded problems like those - more often than not - is something that she most likely will never be completely over. She may be able to commit one day, but don't expect it to be anytime soon. Those are the kind of problems that one needs to handle by themselves. Nobody else can change them except the victim.

This kind of thing pisses me off because people like her father just don't know what kind of permanent damage they are doing.

It's sad dude...maybe counseling could somewhat help her?

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-08-2005, 09:22 AM
 
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I was with a girl a few years ago...

She was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. We met on my birthday and fell instantly in love. As we got to know eachother I learned that she had battled an eating disorder and an emotionally abusive mother. I later learned that she had been raped at 16, lost her virginity that way. She had been in and out of therapy/treatment for years and was finally at a good place. She was intelligent, an accountant with one of the biggest firms in the world. She was fun, polite, outgoing, and we loved eachother more than we had ever loved anybody before. Despite all of this she could never shake her demons. Shy of a year into the relationship she started becoming distant and withdrew from all of her friends, family, and me. It turned out that she had relapsed and was having food issues again. She knew that I wanted to help and would not just leave her alone, which is what the disorder wants, so she did the one thing she knew I would never forgive... she cheated on me.

This was 5 years ago and since we broke up I've learned that she was engaged for a few months and has been in and out of several relationships, none of which were good. It's sad that many demons seem to be unshakable. Even the most competant and intelligent person can be haunted forever by childhood traumas. I know many people who have overcome a difficult childhood, but I know as many who seem doomed to be forever haunted by theirs.

That experience created an awareness in me that has improved my ability to choose a partner. Though it hurt at the time, from that experience I have learned that we're all flawed human beings and it's up to each individual to overcome the challenges we're presented.

Last edited by slaintedan; 01-08-2005 at 09:33 AM.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-08-2005, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by slaintedan

That experience created an awareness in me that has improved my ability to choose a partner. Though it hurt at the time, from that experience I have learned that we're all flawed human beings and it's up to each individual to overcome the challenges we're presented.

Couldn't have said it better.

--There is a wrong way to eat a Reese's, and I will find it.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-09-2005, 04:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by slaintedan
That experience created an awareness in me that has improved my ability to choose a partner. Though it hurt at the time, from that experience I have learned that we're all flawed human beings and it's up to each individual to overcome the challenges we're presented.
Sorry that this happened to you, but it's good that you learned from this and realized that she couldn't really help what happened. This has happened with me before with girls I've dated, and it can lead to some very self-destructive and evil behaviors. Matter of fact, the last 2 girls I've dated have been like this. Last one was really pretty, but so damaged that I had to let it go because of what she was doing (aberrant communication patterns and cheating).

Forgiveness is essential in healing and in learning.

To answer Maley's post: it is up to the abused person to allow who will and won't enter her world. I say that because after whatever trauma they have endured, they build emotional walls around themselves, so that this doesn't happen again. Sometimes they will never let anyone back in again, but that is usually only in extreme cases.

My advice: take your time, and just prove that you won't hurt them. Just remember that it's all about them.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2005, 04:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Slip-On
This kind of thing pisses me off because people like her father just don't know what kind of permanent damage they are doing.
It's much worse than that. I think people who abuse children know damn good and well what kind of damage they are doing, they just don't care.

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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2005, 05:37 AM
 
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Originally posted by spicersh
It's much worse than that. I think people who abuse children know damn good and well what kind of damage they are doing, they just don't care.
This is absolutely true. The sad thing is that it is cyclical, as it probably happened to the parent as well. I don't truly understand this, as it must have been hell for the parent, so why would you not want to protect your child from that hell? Why not have your child grow up in that happy place that these parents had to carry themselves to mentally to endure that hell? Doesn't make sense...

It takes a person of extreme character and an act of sheer magniture to break the cycle.

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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2005, 11:06 AM
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Unfortunately, I have dealt with issue's of this kind off and on most of my adult life with women. I am going to second most posts above......also, remember Maley, all you can do is open the door for her bro......she has to be the one to walk through it .

Trying to help too much will just push her away, show sincere concern for her and I would do a little behind closed doors study on your situation.

You have the right to remain silent and errrm open your legs furrr me. -drunk friend and oblivious female-
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2005, 06:30 AM
 
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I'm going to sound like a real ass saying this, And well I feel like one as well, But here is my take on the subject.
There is simply no future in it. Women that have been thru anything that bad carry so much baggage thats its impossible to deal with. I thought at first that It was unfair to hold that against them, seing how its someone elses fault. But when it comes down to it, there is only so long you can go knowing that she suspects you of one day doing all the things that were done to her earlier in life. There is no trust in that, and without trust there can be no relationship.
I mean seriously, whoever the girl is, she has probably dealt with all those issues for at least a decade, if not more. Anything that would have gotten solved, would have been solved by that point. And you really think that meeting you is going to change everything? It is something the girl herself has to deal with, not anyone else.
Dont get me wrong, there are people who have gone thru that and dealt with it. But if you can tell there is something up, especially in a matter of weeks, Then there ussually is.
Its bad enough that there is one person damaged by her childhood, There is no need to turn it into two people the other being damaged by a bad relationship.



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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2005, 09:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vash
I'm going to sound like a real ass saying this, And well I feel like one as well, But here is my take on the subject.
There is simply no future in it. Women that have been thru anything that bad carry so much baggage thats its impossible to deal with. I thought at first that It was unfair to hold that against them, seing how its someone elses fault. But when it comes down to it, there is only so long you can go knowing that she suspects you of one day doing all the things that were done to her earlier in life. There is no trust in that, and without trust there can be no relationship.
I mean seriously, whoever the girl is, she has probably dealt with all those issues for at least a decade, if not more. Anything that would have gotten solved, would have been solved by that point. And you really think that meeting you is going to change everything? It is something the girl herself has to deal with, not anyone else.
Dont get me wrong, there are people who have gone thru that and dealt with it. But if you can tell there is something up, especially in a matter of weeks, Then there ussually is.
Its bad enough that there is one person damaged by her childhood, There is no need to turn it into two people the other being damaged by a bad relationship.
In all honesty, you may be right, Vash.

--There is a wrong way to eat a Reese's, and I will find it.
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