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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-13-2002, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
 
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Talking ROFLMAO: Headlines!

These are Hillarious. Sick, but funny...

Poor-Spelling Children Pay Dearly for "Letters to Satan"

Little Rock - The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences.

Ten-year-old Sally Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Brattle, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.

Postmaster General, Sarah Smith, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Chris Cringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."

Last edited by CBR_Brutha; 06-13-2002 at 05:44 PM.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-13-2002, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
 
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#2

Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem Child Back into Burning Building

Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for Larry and Jen Randal yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever, Mrs. Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of their obnoxious son. Four-year-old Billy Randal seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents he had tormented watched gratefully.

Mr. Randal said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags he stored in Billy's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Mr. Randal quickly ushered his wife and Mrs. Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the little guy catch up on his sleep."

A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Billy, and the child stumbled toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the boy struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted against blaze.

Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry Randal's arms to pull the staggering, annoying four-year-old back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth Lassie," was gnawing on Billy's charred flesh even as it was itself overcome by flames.

Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could," his thankful mother said.

She continued, "Billy changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Mr. Randal added, "He would call me that, too." Billy was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip her ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what she did."

Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Billy's death.

Last edited by CBR_Brutha; 06-13-2002 at 05:46 PM.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-13-2002, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
 
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#3

Troubling Study Reveals Nation's Moms Have No Game

Cambridge - MIT researchers have released the results of their two-year study on 700 American mothers, revealing that the moms' grasp of the basic rules and tactics of sports is at an all time low.

Overcoming concerns that moms were letting them win, the research team compiled a 534,808 - 0 record against the mothers in hundreds of sports during the study. According to their report, "In terms of game, American moms place well below all other segments of the adult population, including the obese, the homeless, and even pirates, who were previously thought to have the least amount of game possible because of the peg-leg, hook-hand, eye-patch thing."

At an afternoon press conference, the research leader, Dr. Tom Hingus, theorized that years of comfort have eroded moms' skills. He worried that American mothers might now lag far behind their rivals in the third world, "where strength-training exercises like war and subsistence farming have made game as prevalent among moms as boils and poor fashion sense." He continued, "Coming on the heels of last month's discovery that America's mentally ill got no wheels, this study raises serious questions about our country's ability to remain competitive in the next millennium." The moms responded that Hingus "was not being a very gracious winner."

Hingus ended the conference on a positive note, however, observing that "while they have no game, American moms still lead the world at collecting worthless junk and storing it in cabinets and baskets. They definitely got 'knick-knack.'"

The study was commissioned as part of "National Take Your Mom to School Day" when, every year, kids across the country are encouraged to teach their mothers harsh lessons in head-to-head competition. This year's Day was the most successful yet, according to event spokesman Marshall Hicks: "There were several unfortunate incidents involving over-ambitious asthmatics, but, by in large, America's children wiped the courts with their moms, much as the moms once wiped their faces and rears."

Last edited by CBR_Brutha; 06-13-2002 at 05:47 PM.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-13-2002, 07:04 PM
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lol, letters to satan.



lol, "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could,"

Quote:
Originally posted by sidewaysducati
SWIPE THE CARD GRANDMA!!!
SWIPE THE GODDAMNED CARD!!!!
WARNING
If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned...... Tyler
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-14-2002, 07:02 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tippmann
lol, letters to satan.



lol, "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could,"
I know, that one had me laughin' for awhile!
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-14-2002, 09:11 AM
 
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Re: #2

Quote:
Originally posted by CBR Brutha

Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Billy's death.

Donations are being accepted and consumed at Billy's Tavern at 6th and Washington.



ROTMFFLMAO



Go Mrs Cookie, GOOOOOOOOO!!!!
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-14-2002, 10:36 AM
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i always wondered about those oily rags in my closet ya i tried to take my mom to school once but she just beat my ass

there's hope in the words and emotion in the eyes
it's so easy to be misled by the savvy gentle guise
and like fools we trust the delivery
but it's all just drunk sincerity
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