Troubling Study Reveals Nation's Moms Have No Game
Cambridge - MIT researchers have released the results of their two-year study on 700 American mothers, revealing that the moms' grasp of the basic rules and tactics of sports is at an all time low.
Overcoming concerns that moms were letting them win, the research team compiled a 534,808 - 0 record against the mothers in hundreds of sports during the study. According to their report, "In terms of game, American moms place well below all other segments of the adult population, including the obese, the homeless, and even pirates, who were previously thought to have the least amount of game possible because of the peg-leg, hook-hand, eye-patch thing."
At an afternoon press conference, the research leader, Dr. Tom Hingus, theorized that years of comfort have eroded moms' skills. He worried that American mothers might now lag far behind their rivals in the third world, "where strength-training exercises like war and subsistence farming have made game as prevalent among moms as boils and poor fashion sense." He continued, "Coming on the heels of last month's discovery that America's mentally ill got no wheels, this study raises serious questions about our country's ability to remain competitive in the next millennium." The moms responded that Hingus "was not being a very gracious winner."
Hingus ended the conference on a positive note, however, observing that "while they have no game, American moms still lead the world at collecting worthless junk and storing it in cabinets and baskets. They definitely got 'knick-knack.'"
The study was commissioned as part of "National Take Your Mom to School Day" when, every year, kids across the country are encouraged to teach their mothers harsh lessons in head-to-head competition. This year's Day was the most successful yet, according to event spokesman Marshall Hicks: "There were several unfortunate incidents involving over-ambitious asthmatics, but, by in large, America's children wiped the courts with their moms, much as the moms once wiped their faces and rears."
Last edited by CBR_Brutha; 06-13-2002 at 05:47 PM.