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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 02:37 PM
jackdrinker
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George Carlins's rules for 2006

> George Carlin's new rules for 2006
>
>
> New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: - mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: - lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
> New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule: - No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people’s version of looting.
>
> New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
>
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 02:43 PM
 
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Re: George Carlins's rules for 2006

LOL, this is may favorite...



Quote:
Originally posted by jackdrinker
[B> New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
> [/B]


-M-
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 04:15 PM
 
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New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.






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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:17 PM
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Re: George Carlins's rules for 2006

Quote:
Originally posted by jackdrinker
[B]> George Carlin's new rules for 2006
>
>
>
> New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: - lucky bastards.
>
> ]
this is my favorite hehehe

scott
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-17-2006, 05:40 PM
 
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George Carlin is hilarious! Heard about him through a friend who had been a fan for years. We got to see him at the Louisville Palace a few years back. Sarcastic humor is what I'm all about!
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-18-2006, 07:18 AM
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This one is priceless.

New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

If its a penny for your thoughts and you are putting in your two cents, hey someone's making a penny.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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