Subject: FW: Worlds best divorce letter - Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
 
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Subject: FW: Worlds best divorce letter

Subject: FW: Worlds best divorce letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
Swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking
Bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 20, with one of those perfect bodies that only
Youth and maybe a childhood spent roller skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
In this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
>Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going
Crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.


Do you remember Suzanne, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
Lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
Her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I
can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know
it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fuc*ing remote is?
>
>Love, Dan
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
 
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>Subject: George Carlin on New Orleans

Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the
bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...
First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Lets go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that..Get the hell out.
Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't
Said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables.
If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.
(Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them
alone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your
neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get
their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a
mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then
complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save
some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your
Belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a
sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go
to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.



#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al
Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the
Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia’s a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is
The land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for
what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country Thank you for allowing me to rant.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 03:54 PM
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Re: Subject: FW: Worlds best divorce letter

Quote:
Originally posted by x1_solo
...But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you...
F*cking priceless!!!




In God, we trust; all others must provide data.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
 
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which one!!!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by x1_solo
which one!!!
Um, the part I quoted...




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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-06-2005, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
 
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sorry a little slow tonight!!!!
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-07-2005, 03:43 AM
 
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Good stuff pete! i needed that laugh, but i'm pretty sure my keyboard didn't need the red bull that just came out of my nose on it...
btw you still in for soccer?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-07-2005, 06:39 AM
 
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great post thanks for the laugh +1
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-07-2005, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by jjkGURU
Good stuff pete! i needed that laugh, but i'm pretty sure my keyboard didn't need the red bull that just came out of my nose on it...
btw you still in for soccer?

Yeah,
I am in brother. Got the cash with me right now for ya. When do we start!!!
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