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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
 
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Joke of the Day

***
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give
$2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you
the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since
you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business!"
********

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
 
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****
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
*****

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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 07:17 AM Thread Starter
 
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****
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
*****

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 07:18 AM Thread Starter
 
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****
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.


The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.


The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."


So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ... pregnant when you met her."
****

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 07:51 AM
 
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Those were pretty good!!




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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
 
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****
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
****

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 08:39 AM
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That is good!!!

"The good, & the evil; there never really is one without the other...!?"
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 09:59 AM
 
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My turn!! lol


Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."







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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2005, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
 
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lol Jen

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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-30-2005, 05:57 AM
 
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this lady goes to the pet shop and as shes looking around she sees a nice parrot and a parice tag of 50 dollars. She asks the clerk why the parrot is priced so cheap. The clerk tells her that its a great parrot and its young and in great health but nobody would buy it as it came from a whore house and it's pretty vulgar.
The lady figured she would give it a try thinking the parrot might change at her house.
She brings the parrot home and the parrot goes "wack new madam new home" the lady still thinks the parrot will improve.
Her two daughter come home from school the parrot goes "wack new madam new home new girls"
They all think its funny and just laugh it off.
The lady's husband keith comes home and the parrot goes "hi keith"
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