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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 04:13 AM Thread Starter
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Marriage Humor...

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......whether you're here or not."



************************************


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"


******************************
Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"



******************************************


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."



**************************************


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."



*snicker snicker - gotta love it LOL*
E.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 04:31 AM
 
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lol

-=bmacd=-
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 05:07 AM
 
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a couple who had just gotten married in Vegas are having a great time. They decide to go on a horse back ride in the desert. They rent two horses and go. On the way the wife's horse bucks, she got scared, but stayed calm. The husband looked at her horse and said "one". They keep going, and the same thing happens again. She didn't fall off but she decided to stay on the horse. The husband says "two". On the way back her horse bucks again and she falls off. She's not hurt but decides to walk back. Her husband says "three" takes his revolver and shoots the horse dead.

"what the hell did you just do, you shot that horse, are you crazy, what are we gonna do now" the husband stays calm and looks at her and says "one"
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 06:53 AM
 
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Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

So the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing and hunting
a lot.

THE END

PS: He also drank beer whenever he wanted.......
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 07:01 AM
 
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ha ha. i like that one...
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
Best ET 7.77 @ 186mph
 
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Re: Shortest Fairy Tale

Quote:
Originally posted by almightys
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

So the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing and hunting
a lot.

THE END

PS: He also drank beer whenever he wanted.......
you forgot to tell her side of the story...

The girl lived happily ever after because she didn't have to work all day to come home to pick up and clean up the mess a guy leaves around which left her more free time to do what she wanted when she wanted....

E.

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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 09:44 AM
 
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^ Yeah, that!! ^ lol funny stuff E!




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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 10:39 AM
 
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There are 3 types of sex in marriage.

Stage 1, all around the house sex, normally within the first year.

Stage 2, bedroom sex, only get it in the bedroom.

Stage 3, Hallway sex, as you pass each other in the hall the Husband says F U and the wife responds with F U too!
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 03:09 PM
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The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
"CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."


**************************************************


WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


**************************************************


A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.

"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."




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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-25-2005, 04:00 PM
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A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was 100% successful.

He says, "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm.

The husband leans over to the black guy and says, "You see!! THAT's how you wave a towel!"




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