Short Joke - Page 6 - Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #51 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-26-2005, 11:43 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 137
Holy Shit Spicersh, you are too f'n funny.
1percenter is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #52 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-26-2005, 11:55 AM
Registered User
 
cookeetree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 7,448
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


**********************************************


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."




In God, we trust; all others must provide data.
cookeetree is offline  
post #53 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-20-2005, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
S370HSSV 0773H
 
spicersh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Terrible Hole, IN
Posts: 7,437
Send a message via Yahoo to spicersh
Two men in their eighties were talking one day. Joe said to Larry, "You know, when I was twenty, I had an erection that I couldn't bend at all. When I was forty, I had an erection that I could only bend one quarter of the way down, in my sixties I could bend it half the way down. Now that I am Eighty I can bend it all the way down. How much stronger am I going to get?"






A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."







Q - What does the world series and a neutered bear have in common?
A - No Cubs.






Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

SportbikeWorld Supermoderator

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
spicersh is offline  
 
post #54 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-20-2005, 07:48 AM
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 8,798
Three old time friends, a priest, optometrist, and an engineer, decided to play a game of golf. Unfortinetly they had to wait till the current group freed up the spot. To make matters worse, the current group was obviously very very bad at it, and was taking their sweet time. After some hours passed the trio was starting to get agitated. The asked the groundskeeper if there was some problem.
The groundskeeper replied that the group currently playing is a bunch of old firefighters who all lost their sight fighting a fire at the country club some years back. Every since they play for free.

The three all felt very ashamed of their actions. The priest mentioned that he will pray for them. The doctor said he would ask his friends if there is something they might be able to do, and the engineer wondered "So, why cant they play at night?"



Vash is offline  
post #55 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-20-2005, 12:04 PM
Registered User
 
cookeetree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 7,448





In God, we trust; all others must provide data.
cookeetree is offline  
post #56 of 92 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 06:01 AM
Strength and Honor
 
kanwisch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Central IN
Posts: 6,144
Assassin Test

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife andgo home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

SportbikeWorld Supermoderator

Dragging knee is for the track, and dragging tail is for the lot. --Kane Friesen

When you're in a car, you're watching a movie; when you're on a bike, you're in the movie. --Robert Pirsig

Identity theft is not Fun
kanwisch is offline  
post #57 of 92 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
S370HSSV 0773H
 
spicersh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Terrible Hole, IN
Posts: 7,437
Send a message via Yahoo to spicersh
I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"
The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.
" Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."






A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."








Three Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower- Catfish, Hoss and Bubba. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly. As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Hoss says, "Where did you get that, Bubba?"
"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Catfish's widow?."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

SportbikeWorld Supermoderator

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
spicersh is offline  
post #58 of 92 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
S370HSSV 0773H
 
spicersh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Terrible Hole, IN
Posts: 7,437
Send a message via Yahoo to spicersh
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.






Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!






Thats enough for now.

SportbikeWorld Supermoderator

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
spicersh is offline  
post #59 of 92 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 08:26 AM
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 8,798
roflmao!



Vash is offline  
post #60 of 92 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
S370HSSV 0773H
 
spicersh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Terrible Hole, IN
Posts: 7,437
Send a message via Yahoo to spicersh
Ok, a few more.



On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.









A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. .... The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap; then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge gazongas out for dinner; then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

SportbikeWorld Supermoderator

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
spicersh is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Sportbike Forum: Sportbike Motorcycle Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome