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post #41 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-18-2005, 11:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by spicersh
Hell at 50 you can stretch the whole thing out and show movies on it! Talk about home entertainment center!
Yes Billy, It's "The Cyclops That Stole Christmas".

Keeping the "Hap" in "Happy Holidays"!

Regime change begins at home.

Blind patriotism is worse than no patriotism.
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post #42 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-18-2005, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dad
Yes Billy, It's "The Cyclops That Stole Christmas".


Oh, and be sure you shave the "screen" as there is nothing worse than your favorite holiday classic broadcast over someone's short 'n curlies.

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #43 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-18-2005, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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This made me think of Tippmann....


A bar tender has a regular customer that is a beautiful young lady. He sees her every day, however he can not approach her because every time he sees her he gets a boner. Finally one day he comes up with a solution. He tapes his manhood to the inside of his leg. When she got to the bar he finally asked her out, and she said yes. When he went to pick her up for the date, he once again had his manhood taped to the inside of his leg. She came to the door and she was wearing a very tight, short dress, and she was beautiful - more beautiful than she has ever looked before. So she approached him, and he kicked her in the head.

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #44 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-18-2005, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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A little boy walks up to his dad and asks him "Where do babies come from?"
The dad turns to the little boy and says, "A stork."
The little boy looks at his dad confused. "You mean you screwed a stork?"









This guy walks into a pharmacy, and is having trouble finding what he wants. He walks over to the pharmacist to ask him for help?
"Do you guys sell deodorant?"
"We sure do," answered the pharmacist, "you want the ball kind?"
"No," answered the man. "I'll just take the kind that goes under your arm."

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #45 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-18-2005, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer, and a mop.






A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
The barber smiled at her and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”
“I know,” the little girl replied. “I’m gonna grow boobs, too.”






While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”






A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #46 of 92 (permalink) Old 10-27-2005, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
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It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Sh*t!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.










Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch! His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he's there for almost four hours. When he wakes up he starts calling for the doctor. The doctor finally comes in and the guy said, "Doc, am I going to O.K.?" The doctor said, "Well, there was a lot of buckshot damage. I was able to repair most of it, but now I think you need to see my brother." The guy said, "Oh, is your brother a doctor, too?" The doctor said, "No, he's a flute player, but he can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #47 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-16-2005, 10:01 PM
 
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a man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits at the bar and sets his octopus on the stool next to him.

People suddenly wonder why an octopus is with this man and start asking him about it.

the man replys, "he's very talented. he can play any type of musical instrument". If you don't believe me, i'll wager $50 on this statement.

a scruffy looking guy walks over to the man and his octopus and hands him a flute.

the octopus grabs the flute, puts it to its mouth and plays a brilliant tune. The baffled scruffy guy hands the man $50.

after that, a greasy looking salesman walks to over the the man and his octopus and hands the octopus a violin.

the octopus grabs the violin, and plays a brilliant tune and the salesman hands the man $50.

Finally, a scottish guy walks to the man and his octopus and hands the octopus a bagpipe.

the octopus grabs it, stares at it for 30 seconds, and then fumbles around with it for 2 minutes. After that, the octopus drops it to the floor and turns away.

The scottish guy asks the man, "it can't play the bagpipe?"

to which the man replys, "play it? once it figured out how to take its pajamas off it was going to have sex with it!".

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post #48 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-21-2005, 07:28 AM
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While not as short as the first in this thread, along the same lines:

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by
says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters
another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival
walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and
says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand
and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a
nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I
am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the
Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work!"

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When you're in a car, you're watching a movie; when you're on a bike, you're in the movie. --Robert Pirsig

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post #49 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-21-2005, 01:28 PM
 
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Two dogs are standing looking up at a row parking meters.

One says to the other: "Look pay toilets."
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post #50 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-21-2005, 01:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Thunderheart
Two dogs are standing looking up at a row parking meters.

One says to the other: "Look pay toilets."

Keeping the "Hap" in "Happy Holidays"!

Regime change begins at home.

Blind patriotism is worse than no patriotism.
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