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post #21 of 92 (permalink) Old 06-19-2005, 04:50 PM
 
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Not Short!

A guy suspects his wife of cheating on him. He comes home in the middle of the day and hears a noise upstairs. He rushes up and finds his wife sprawled on the bed wearing a negligee. He sees the window open and looks out and sees a guy running down the street. The man grabs a refrigerator and throws it out the window on top of the guy running, killing him. A few moments later up in heaven St Peter is looking at three new arrivals. St Peter looks at the first guy and says “Well?” The first guy says “No idea, I was late for work, running down an ally when a refrigerator hits me on the head.” St Peter says “Go on in.” He looks at the second guy and says “Well?” The second guy says “Well I was a jealous man, thought my wife was cheating on me. I lost my temper and lifted up a refrigerator, had a heart attack and here I am”. St Peter says “OK go on in”. St Peter looks at the third guy and says “Well”? The third guy says “I was hiding in this refrigerator you see…………….
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post #22 of 92 (permalink) Old 06-19-2005, 06:40 PM
 
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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post #23 of 92 (permalink) Old 06-19-2005, 06:40 PM
 
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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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post #24 of 92 (permalink) Old 06-29-2005, 01:04 AM
 
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a young man is driving down the road with a nice blonde young lady. he asks her, could you look out the window and tell me if my blinker is working.
she sticks her head out the window and he asks "is it working??"
she replies "yes no yes no yes no yes no...."

--------------------------------------------------------
a blonde a brunnete and a red head are standing before a firing squad about to be executed for their "friendly ways". the king frowned on these three ladies, but decided he would give them the courtesy of making their last wishes.
the brunette stands before the squad, is asked if she has any last wishes, she says no. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim..." the brunette shouts "TORNADO" the squad is utterly confused and the brunette escapes.
the red head is brought before the squad, asked if she has any last wishes she says no. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim..." the red head shouts "EARTHQUAKE" the squad is yet again, utterly confused and the red head escapes.
the blonde has this figured out, shes gonna shout and shes gonna escape, she stands before the squad, shes asked if she has any last wishes, she says no...man shes excited about this. the squad takes aim, the leader commands "Ready...Aim.." the blonde shouts "FIRE"....
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post #25 of 92 (permalink) Old 06-29-2005, 05:08 PM
 
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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post #26 of 92 (permalink) Old 07-01-2005, 04:34 PM
 
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Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



A: because it was dead
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post #27 of 92 (permalink) Old 07-01-2005, 05:50 PM
 
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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post #28 of 92 (permalink) Old 08-03-2005, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch."

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The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomanical, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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post #29 of 92 (permalink) Old 08-03-2005, 12:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by spicersh
Not really short....but good anyway:


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Good for him!!!
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post #30 of 92 (permalink) Old 08-03-2005, 12:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by spicersh
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch."

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