A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check..She reaches in her
pocket and pulls out a
rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller,
pauses for a moment, then
realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just
great.....Some a$$hole's got my pen."
not a very good one but still.....
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window "I want to open a damn checking account," The astonished woman
replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did
you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the
manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of whiskey. The bar tender asks why so many and the guy answers "first blowjob". The bartender says "well congragulations have another on the house." They guy replies, "if 10 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, why do you think one more will do it."
Also not a very good one but....
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends
$5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at
a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32,"
was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while
later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you
think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies. "Nope, I'm 47." Now
she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way
down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly
responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home,
she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my
eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell
how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let
me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you
are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips
both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she
says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?" He completes one last
squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says,"Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you
possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old man replies, "I was
behind you in line at McDonald's."