New traffic measures
Government does u-turn on road widening
Will target vehicle width instead
by Flash Gorman
The Government announced a dramatic u-turn on its road widening policy in a statement today. Transport minister Alistair "Not now" Darling, outlined proposals for making cars thinner.
Mr Darling told the Commons that making vehicles thinner would have the same affect as widening the roads but with the added benefit that the entire cost could be passed on the manufacturers and consumers.
These savings could be used to fund the War On Terror™ and also to provide a helicopter-pooling scheme for MPs. A helicopter pool, Mr Darling, explained would avoid the quite unacceptable situation of MPs being held up in bus lanes by public transport vehicles — a problem highlighted recently by foreign secretary, Jack Straw, when he was thwarted in a get-home-before-Neighbours-starts effort.
Motoring Groups around the UK have met the car-thinning plans with dismay. A spokesman for the AA said: "The general consensus of our members is that while there is a slight possibility that narrower cars may well reduce congestion, they would look shite."
Members of Green Peace were equally distraught. Activist Judy Gidieon told us: "This is an outrage. We were just preparing to reject the road widening plans out-of-hand and now they spring this on us. We'll have to repaint the banners."
There was a brief pause while Ms Gidieon wept for her planet, after which she confirmed that they hoped to study the proposals in-depth and reject them vehemently within the next half-hour.
Road congestion has been an ongoing problem in Britain for the past 30 years caused by increased car ownership and the lack of a good world war to thin out the population a bit.
A flurry of activity over the past decade has seen several hundred yards of new road added to the network but any attempt to relieve road congestion in this manner is hindered by people insisting on driving along the new roads when they are completed.
Congestion has got so bad on parts of the M6 around Birmingham that tribes of feral wildmen have evolved from people stuck in protracted traffic jams. They have created crude shelters under motorway bridges and survive on the foul-tasting food scraps served in most service stations.