Dear Mr Wolverine
RE: Letter to the Editor - Scalextric
Thankyou for your recent request for healine stories for the next addition of the SCUM. After much serious deliberation, we regret to inform you that our editors feel it lacks a certain kind of punch that our readers have come to expect and as such we cannot run the story until it includes one or all of the following:
1) Bottoms, Bums or winkles
2) Breasts, Titties, chest's Puppies with Pink noses
3) Beer, vomit, panties, sex, goats, lovenest
4) Naked, rampant, scandal, alien, affair,
5) Bizzare, Poodle Spinning, vegetables
6) Insertion, Therapy, Lurve, Enhancements
7) Dribble, fluid, tongues, press on panty towels
8) Blue Point Pressure guages & Compromising positions
9) Plop-Plops, piddle and false teeth
Please also be aware that here at the SCUM we only go on information that has first been verified by two sources, cross referenced and re-checked before publishing. All photos submitted are rigorously scrutinised for authenticity and relevance to the main story.
As you can appreciate it would be unethical of us to accept hear say conversations without due process. We pride oursleves in reporting only the factual truth about the news and would never intentionally misreport a story nor misquote individuals unless they have it coming to them.
I believe our last two publications bare utterly convincing testimony to that effect.