Get a needle, some thread, and a quart of rum.
1. Lay everything out on the table, open the rum.
2. Take a long chug of the rum.
3. Hold the needle up to the light, and attempt to sight through the eye of the needle. If you can see through it, take another chug of rum.
4. Thread the needle. This makes pulling the thread through the fabric significantly easier. If you have trouble, try dipping the thread in the rum, then drinking the rum.
5. Align the piece to be sewed over your hand.
6. Stick needle through fabric.
7. Tear another piece of fabric to be used as a bandage. Drink rum untill pain subsides.
8. Position piece to be sewed over pants.
9. Push needle through both layers of fabric at the edge.
10. Turn needle around and push back through 1/8 inch away from initial puncture.
11. Repeat step 7.
12. This time puch the needle through the fabric.
14. Repeat step 9 and 12.
16. Repeat step 14 around the perimeter of velcro patch.
18. Realize patch is sewed on wrong side out. Get scissors and remove patch.
19. Bandage injuries caused by scissors
21. Begin to sew patch on again.
22. Pass out.
23. Wake up following morning, take pants to Alterations shop, pay $15 to have patches professionally sewed on, go to hospital for stitches from previous nights forray with alcohol and sharp objects.